


Kept Falling Short

by SoU2019



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Flirting, Happy Ending, Humor, Kidnapping, M/M, Minor Violence, Pining, Post-Canon, SoUarchive, Some Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:33:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26905936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoU2019/pseuds/SoU2019
Summary: If Ed had ever been born with any sense of self preservation, he would have avoided Central Command like the diseased-shithole-full-of-shitheads that it was, but nooOOOOOooooOOOo, he’d let his mental version of Al convince him to go talk to the old team. He was an idiot.(AKA: Ed returns to central and promptly ends up on a date-turned-kidnapping with a certain general)
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang
Comments: 42
Kudos: 209





	1. Regrets

Edward Elric had a problem. Well actually he had several problems, but only one of them was currently making his life unbearable. Fuck his life. Goddamn military and their goddamn obsession with ceremonies. Fucking Grumman.

Ed had been on medical leave while the trials and executions of the old guard were carried out, but rather than coming back, he had written to Mustang declaring that he quit and that the military could go fuck itself. Al had recovered, and gone to Xing; while Ed chickened out of proposing to Winry, and buggered off to Creta. He’d had a blissful 2.5 years of not so much as seeing a blue uniform before the homesickness kicked in and he found himself wandering aimlessly around Central. 

If Ed had ever been born with any sense of self preservation, he would have avoided Central Command like the diseased-shithole-full-of-shitheads that it was, but nooOOOOOooooOOOo, he’d let his mental version of Al convince him to go talk to the old team. He was an idiot. In less than an hour he had been invited to 7 different get-togethers, and 2 weddings. It would have been a lie to say that he had any plans, or anything else to do, but he managed to only commit himself to attending Havoc’s engagement party, and Breda’s birthday. He absolutely refused to go to any weddings. He had left Mustang’s office with a smile, and a promise to Hawkeye that he would call again when the Lieutenant General was not in a meeting. 

He had nearly made it out of the main building when he heard a voice calling his name.

“MAJOR ELRIC!”

Ed turned, ready to cuss out the person who clearly had not gotten the memo about Ed’s resignation, but when he saw the young woman calling his name he didn’t recognize her.

“Just Edward.” Ed said. Al would be so proud.

“Ah, Maj-- Mr. Elric, Sir.” She stopped and gave him a salute, which Ed promptly ignored.

“I’m Corporal Anna Roche, and Fuhrer Grumman would like to see you.”

Ed stared at her. “News travels fucking fast round here.”

Corporal Roche just stared at him, slightly starry eyed, but she seemed normal enough. 

Ed sighed, “Any chance I can just give you my number and he can call me at my hotel?”

Corporal Roche’s eyes widened comically, “I--The Fuhrer wants to speak with you.”

Ed closed his eyes and took a deep breath. What would Al say to get out of this situation?

“Thank-you Corporal. Please tell Fuhrer Grumman to call me at the Jennison Hotel, as I have some business to take care of.” He nodded at her, and spun around walking swiftly towards the main street. Fucking Grumman might be the Fuhrer, but Ed wasn’t his subordinate and he had some very important business to attend to.

That business was obviously checking that the bakery two blocks south of Central Command still made the best cream cheese donuts in the city. Ed smiled as he bit into one and it melted in his mouth. Just this donut was worth the stay in Central. Speaking of which, how long could he afford to stay in Central? He pulled out the checkbook and stared at the numbers. 

Al was living as a guest of Ling’s court, so he had no need of Ed’s money at the moment, but Al had always wanted to go to university, and he had mentioned in his last letter that he was considering wrapping up his studies in Xing within the next year. Ed had saved a significant amount of money from his days as Fullmetal, but he’d spent a lot of it in Creta. He had enough to live for another few years, but his automail needed adjustments, and the state did not provide free university education. It was still much cheaper than in Xing, but until Mustang enacted his great plan, Ed would have to help fund Al’s studies. 

Well he couldn’t do alchemy, so that was not an option. He supposed he could still do alchemical research, but he would either have to work through the university or through the military. The university wouldn’t accept him unless he completed the exam that all students had to complete upon finishing school, and Ed had dropped out in elementary school. The military...Ed made a face. No. Well he could always become a prostitute. He’d run into enough assholes who wanted to grope his automail to know that there was quite the clientele base for scarred creatures like him. Ed grimaced at the thought. Urg, he’d never get his automail joints clean if he went into that business.

Central was quiet as he walked towards his hotel, the early afternoon sun was wasted on a city in the middle of the work week, but at least it meant he wouldn’t run into anyone he knew. The hotel wasn’t far away, and Ed had initially been relieved to enter its cool confines, but that only lasted until the phone rang.

Fuck.

“Hello? Is this Mr. Edward Elric?” an unfamiliar voice asked.

“Yep.”

“I am calling from Fuhrer Grumman’s office to extend an invitation to the banquet we are having on Friday to honour the newly promoted Generals of the Amestrian Military.”

Well shit.

“Uh, thanks but I’ll pass.” Ed said into the phone.

There was a pause, and a few muffled voices in the background.

“One second sir.”

Ed stared at the wall while the person on the other end of the line covered the receiver. There was some more muffled discussion before the voice returned.

“General Mustang says that there will be copious amounts of free food if you decide to come.” 

“General Mustang?” Ed asked. “I thought the bastard was a Lieutenant General.”

There was a choked off gasp, and a series of coughs on the line, and Ed could easily imagine this poor sucker sitting in front of Grumman--and Mustang for some reason--trying to convince him to go to a boring party that would be full of idiots.

“General Mustang was promoted at this afternoon’s meeting. It will be officially announced tomorrow, and the banquet is to be held to recognize his promotion as well as the promotions of all those who are now ranked above Brigadier General.” 

“Well then, tell the Bastard I congratulate him, and that he can fuck off.”

The person on the line seemed at a loss for words and was probably looking at Mustang and gaping like a fish. “I-” There was some muttering in the background before some static crackled and Ed heard the voice he had been trying to forget.

“I’ll pick you up at 6pm on Friday. I look forward to seeing you, Fullmetal.”


	2. Chapter 2

Ed was not nervous. He wasn’t. Why would he be? His hair was brushed into a perfect ponytail, and his face was free of any stupid Hohenhiem hair, he’d even gone out and bought a suit. He had intended to rent a suit, but there had been a display window with a suit that was absolutely glorious. It was a deep velvety red, with black leather trim, and a black vest with fucking dragons embroidered into the fabric. If he’d still had his alchemy, he would have added a few spikes around the lapels and maybe an embroidered gargoyle to the back, but, as it was, he’d have to wait and see if he could get Al to do him the favour. He had wanted to buy a pair of dress shoes, but the vest had been rather expensive, so he had settled for borrowing a pair from Fuery. 

He had gone to all this effort to look ‘nice’ and yet whenever he looked in the mirror he saw a man who had not slept well in two days. 

Fucking Mustang. Between worrying about what Mustang was scheming, and what Mustang thought of him, Ed had barely been able to function. Add his employment issues on top of the whole mess, and Ed hadn’t been able to lie down for anything longer than a nap. Mustang had to be planning something! Why would he have been harassed by the Fuhrer’s personal staff if they weren’t scheming!? 

Ed normally didn’t care what people thought of him, but he’d spent 2 years trying to fall in love with Winry, and then another 2 years in Creta trying to fall in love with literally anyone else, and yet Mustang’s stupid face and even stupider voice refused to stop haunting his dreams. The last time Mustang had seen him, he’d been 16 and desperately fighting homunculi. The last time Ed had seen Mustang was at the hospital while he accidentally eavesdropped on a conversation Riza and Mustang had been having while Mustang had been blind, and Hawkeye had been too concussed to notice Ed’s presence at the door.

He didn’t know how their conversation had started, but Hawkeye had beens describing how Ed had taken down Father, and had said that ‘Ed had looked  _ incandescent’  _ and Mustang had said ‘He  _ always _ looks like that.’ 

Normally Ed would assume that he meant nothing by it, but it had been said in such a wistful tone, and it was followed up by ‘I think he’ll grow up into a remarkable young man.’ And Ed had slipped back to Al’s room with those words running through his head.

It really shouldn’t mean much coming from the mouth of a war criminal, but Mustang thought that _ Ed  _ would turn out all right! Had he missed the part where Ed had broken the most basic rule of alchemy and had ruined Al’s life? Ed was a mess. He was a crime against nature, who had taken his brother’s childhood away and replaced it with an empty suit of armour. He had torn his way across the country, failing to save innocents like Nina, and causing Elicia to lose her father. His failure at Briggs had caused the deaths of hundreds of Drachmen soldiers, and his incompetence had nearly destroyed Amestris. If he had been smarter and faster, he could have stopped so much suffering! And yet Mustang thought he’d turn out alright.

Clearly Mustang was fucked in the head. 

So why did Ed care so much?

Well, that had been the thought that had kept him up all night, despite his best attempts, and that was why Ed stood in the hotel lobby at 5:45pm trying desperately not to pace.

5:46pm- A woman walked past him giving him a once over. Probably trying to decide if Ed had two giant black eyes or just two huge bags under his  _ normal-sized _ eyes.

5:47pm- The concierge side-eyed him.

5:47pm- His tie is probably crooked.

5:47pm- His tie is fine.

5:47pm- A fly buzzed past him with no regard for his nerves. Maybe he stinks...no he put on deodorant. Maybe it's his breath. He exhaled into his hand, nope that's fine too.

5:47pm-Ed glared at the clock. He was pretty sure it has been 5:47pm for ten minutes now.

“You look nervous.” The concierge guy said, making Ed jump. “Relax, it’ll be fine, first dates are always the most nerve wracking.”

Ed whipped around to look at him. “What?”

He gaped for a minute while his brain processes the words before opening his mouth to say, “It’s not a date!” but the guy had already disappeared into some back room.

He shook his head and looked back at the clock 5:56pm. He glares at it trying to see if it's broken or if physics hates him so much it is purposely fiddling with the space-time continuum. He was still glaring at it when he finally saw a familiar figure walking up the stairs to the lobby.

_ Fucking hell. _

Ed had always known that Mustang was attractive. The first time they had met, Ed had thought he’d had nice eyes, even if what he was saying was military bullshit. The second time they met, Ed had decided that it wasn’t fair that such a bastard could have such nice hair. But it had been the first time that Ed saw him perform flame alchemy, that had made Ed stop and stare. He had passed it off as curiosity about the flame alchemy, but that was only a fraction of the truth. Mustang slouched in his chair, idly flipped through reports, and occasionally had a hissy fit about losing his favourite pen. The Flame Alchemist, however, was quite different. The Flame Alchemist stood with his shoulders straight, and his eyes blazing. He had the intensity of a hurricane, but was in absolute control. His legs stood firm and his arms extended gracefully as he pinpointed his target, and with a snap of his fingers he set the world ablaze.

Ed had spent the better part of his teenage years focusing every last brain cell on trying to regain Al’s body, and yet he might have achieved it a little faster if he hadn’t been constantly at war trying to wrangle his thoughts away from his stupidly hot C.O and towards the problem at hand. Mustang had been 20-something back then, and Ed had figured that old age had to get him sooner or later, but apparently he was wrong. Colonel Mustang had been mind numbingly attractive at 28. At 34, General Mustang was  _ fucking hot _ .

Ed stood frozen as Mustang approached. He had his hair gelled back and was wearing his military uniform with a newly added star on his shoulder. 

_ Ed was not going to survive this. _

“Edward!” Mustang said with a genuine smile, as he stuck out his hand.

Ed managed to move his arm enough to reach out and accept the handshake.

“Um, hey.” he answered.

“I see you’ve managed to grow a few more inches.” He smiled as he clasped both his hands around Ed’s. Good thing he was wearing those gloves, because Ed wouldn’t survive any skin-to-skin contact.

The sensitivity of the topic thawed some of Ed’s crippled brain cells. “Of course I did! I’m basically your height now.”

Mustang seemed to smile even brighter, which was extremely distracting. “I was sorry to have missed you when you dropped by the office the other day.”

Ed made a non-committal noise, and slipped his hand out of Mustang’s grasp, “And yet you somehow managed to get a hold of me before I even left.”

Mustang laughed, “Ah yes, well I was discussing something with the Fuhrer when I received a call from my office saying you had just stopped by, Fuhrer Grumman decided that he wanted to meet you, and decided to send someone to fetch you.”

Ed snorted, “Why the hell does he want to meet me?”

Mustang raised a perfect eyebrow. “Who wouldn’t want to meet you? You and Alphonse left Central before he could speak with you, and he’s spent the last few years hearing stories about the Fullmetal Alchemist. You are a bit of a legend these days.”

“Pssshhh, it's all bullshit and lies.” Ed said.

Mustang nodded, “Why of course. You’ve never done anything remarkable in your life. You wouldn’t even know ‘remarkable’ if it slapped you across the face.”

Ed stared unimpressed. “I did not get coerced into meeting with you just so I could be sassed.”

“I didn’t coerce you.”

“Bullshit! You had the fucking Fuhrer in on it too! I’d have been detained at the train station had I attempted to leave.”

“I don’t think he would have gone that far.” Mustang said.

“HA. Yes he would have, and you would have sent some goons chasing after me until they brought me back in handcuffs.” Ed said, “You’d probably refuse to uncuff me just to be a bastard, and prevent me from avoiding the stupid banquet.”

“Well you have gone to such trouble to make yourself look nice that I don’t think cuffing you is necessary.” 

Ed rolled his eyes, “Well come on then, let’s get this over with. That’s your ride, right?” He said pointing towards the idling vehicle that was waiting for them just past the main doors.

Mustang nodded, and they both started walking across the lobby.

“I mean it, Edward. You do look very nice.” Mustang said.

Ed flushed. “Oh shuddup.” He said, “If I wanted cheap compliments I’d go on a date with Havoc.”

General Mustang opened and ushered Ed through the large glass door. “My apologies,” he said, “I will attempt to be more original in my admiration of you.”

“Oh!  _ Fuck Off. _ ” Ed said, turning his burning face away.

The driver politely didn’t say anything as he opened the car doors and let his two charges settle into the back seat.

“Do you prefer poetic verses, or perhaps an artistic rendering of all of your excellent qualities?” Mustang teased.

“Shut.  _ UP _ !” Ed hissed.

“But my dear, I simply must express how absolutely dazzling you look tonight.”

“ _ I am going to fucking kill you Mustang _ .” Ed said, ignoring the bewildered look on the driver’s face.

Mustang turned to him and gave him the most ridiculous, over the top, absurd flirty face and said “Oh please, call me Roy.”

Ed burst out laughing despite himself. “Oh, fuck you.” He gasped in a breath while deliberately looking away from Mustang who was now making an exaggerated display of clutching at his broken heart. “You should have gone into theatre, not fucking politics.” Ed said.

Mustang smiled. “You are not the first person to say that to me.”

“With you pulling shit like that I’m pretty fucking sure I won’t be the last, Mustang.” Ed said.

“I do sincerely apologize, baiting you has been a pleasure I have been forced to live too long without.” Mustang said.

“Aww you missed me.” Ed said.

“We all missed you. Havoc complains weekly about not having you around, and even Falman admits to occasionally wishing you were there.”

“Eh, Falman just misses having someone testing the military’s resolve to uphold random long forgotten rules. He probably just wants to see if Grumman will still court marshall a soldier who breaks the 1766 rule against wearing flip-flops in Central Command.”

“I do not believe such a rule exists, and even if it did, I suspect that the punishment would not be quite so severe.” Mustang said.

Ed shrugs, “Well doesn’t matter because I’m not in the military anymore.”

“Well, if you ever change your mind,” Mustang says. “There will always be a spot for you on the team.”

“Thanks.” Ed muttered. “So, what’s the deal with this banquet?”

“The Fuhrer is hosting the dinner at his mansion. Most of the top brass will be there.”

“Is Hawkeye not going? I’d imagine you’d be going with her, instead of dragging me away from a good night’s sleep.” Ed said.

“She will be there, as will most of the team; however I took it upon myself to personally escort you, so that you wouldn’t ‘forget’ to show up.” Mustang said.

“Suuurrree,” Ed said. “I’ll bet that she finally got tired of your shit, and has found herself a hot date for tonight.”

“That is highly unlikely. I have known Hawkeye for most of my life now, and she has never once expressed interest in anybody.” Mustang said.

Ed looked at him in surprise. “Really? I figured you two were a done deal.”

“No.” Mustang said, “ The Lieutenant Colonel and I have always been very good friends, but she is not inclined towards any sort of relationships,  _ ever _ .”

“Oh.” Ed said, as he tried to reconcile that new bit of information with the catalogue of evidence he had thought he had collected as a kid. “I never would have guessed.”

“She has always been a private person, but she’s always made sure to make it quite clear to anyone who even looks at her twice, that she could not possibly be any less interested. I think she would have brought Black Hayate as her plus one, if dogs were welcome at banquets.”

“How is Black Hayate?” Ed asked.

“Oh, he is as well behaved as always. He still refuses to take any treats I offer him, and Falman has expressed concern that Hayate isn’t even a dog at all, but a very advanced automaton that was planted inorder to gather intelligence on us.”

Ed hummed thoughtfully. “That would explain a lot. I don’t think I’ve ever seen any other dog be so well trained.”

“Breda and Havoc spent an afternoon debating it, until Fuery took a magnet and held it up to Hayate’s head. Obviously nothing happened, but Havoc still isn’t convinced.”

“It's good to know the team is still keeping busy, clearly they have very little time on their hands.” Ed said.

Mustang laughed, and the car slowed down as they approached the Fuhrer’s mansion.

“Come on, I’m sure you are absolutely starved.” Mustang said as he stepped out of the car.

Ed nearly bounced out of the car. “You bet your ass I am!”

The steps leading into the house were crowded with people all dressed in blue, with the occasional guest wearing formal clothing. Ed wasn’t usually very self-conscious, but he had come to accept the value to dressing appropriately for an occasion, and Al’s voice in his head was praising him for having gone to the effort of getting the correct clothes. Well atleast Al would be proud.

Mustang led the way, and Ed followed, trying to ignore the mummers of recognition that surrounded him. This is why he hadn’t wanted to come, but as long as he didn’t make eye contact with any of them he would probably be safe from most interactions.

This turned out to be the case, as Mustang’s much more amiable persona attracted much more attention than Ed’s reserved body language. Luckily Ed didn’t have to do much other than be seated, listen to a boring speech, and try to figure out which fork was for which dish. Between stuffing his face with everything he could get within arms reach, and making sure his glass was always full of some drink or another, Ed found himself having a very engaging conversation with Breda, and he even managed to get introduced to the Bone Alchemist, who had figured out an array to fix broken bones that Al would be very interested in learning about. 4 years without Bradley, and already the State Alchemist program was encouraging advancements in medical alchemy. Al would be thrilled!

Eventually the banquet table had been cleared and all the guests moved into the ballroom to sip drinks, mingle, and do some fancy and clearly rehearsed dance. Ed was quite happy to partake in the first two activities, and would probably choke on his drink if someone mentioned the ‘D’ word.

“Edward!” Mustang called.

_Well shit_. “Yeah?” Ed asked as he turned to look in the direction the voice had come from.

“Fuhrer Grumman would like to speak with you.” Mustang said.

Ed groaned, “Fine, where’s the geezer?”

“Right behind you, Mr. Elric.” Fuhrer Grumman said.

Ed spun around and glared at the man. “Ya tryina gimme a stroke or somethin!?” He asked. 

Grumman smiled, and his glasses flashed in a way that Ed didn’t like. “A pleasure to meet you too. I have heard alot about you.”

Ed shrugged. “Lies and slander. I’m a nobody from out East who got lucky, and spent a few unremarkable years cleaning up a bastard Colonel’s mistakes.”

Grumman laughed. “You are a true delight, my boy! I can see why the General sings your praises.”

Ed turned to send a hard look in Mustang’s direction. “He’d better not be doin anything like that.”

Mustang shrugged. “I simply said that you had a remarkable talent for achieving phenomenal results despite your many...shortcomings.”

A younger Ed would have loudly protested, and possibly flung a metal arm in Mustang’s direction. Ed was no longer that kid so instead he settled for a look of disgust and a loud “Fuck you! I’m basically just as tall as you are!”

Grumman watched the exchange with amusement. “I understand why my granddaughter has such a soft spot for you Mr. Elric.”

“Your granddaughter is the most reasonable person I have ever met; and I dunno why she hangs around with the likes of General Bastard.” Ed said, sending a side glare towards the General.

They had gathered a bit of a crowd, but Ed didn’t notice.

“And yet you also ‘hung around’ the General for quite some time.” Grumman said.

Ed looked over at the stupid General with his stupid hair still stupidly swept back. “Yeah well, he’s not always a pain in my ass. He sometimes even comes up with some useful shit.”

“That’s quite the compliment coming from you.” Mustang said.

“Yeah, well, don’t get used to it.” Ed retorted.

“What do you think of his promotion to the position of General?” Grumman asked.

Ed glanced around noticing the crowd of curious onlookers.  _ Shit. What would Al say? _ He took a deep breath. “I think that he deserves it.” Ed said, “He was a good C.O and, despite his bastardly ways, he will be a good addition to the brass.” He looked around, the onlookers seemed to have taken his statement at face value, and were looking content. Grumman was still smiling at him in an unsettling way, and Mustang was looking at him with a genuine smile.

“I appreciate your honesty.” Grumman said. “I am happy to hear that you approve of the promotion.”

Ed looked at him in confusion. “Why does my opinion matter to you?” He asked.

Grumman tilted his head slightly. “The opinion of the Fullmetal Alchemist has always been of great value to the citizens of Amestris. You have quite the reputation you know, and I am sure that the press would be thrilled to add your statements to the news story.”

Ed’s brow did not smooth out until he saw the lady in the yellow dress who was hurriedly scribbling notes into a tiny notebook.  _ For fucks sake!  _ Didn’t the reporters in Central have anything else to write about!?

“I hope you won’t mind getting your photo taken in the library sometime this evening, we have a couple of members of the press who were invited to this event.” Grumman said, gesturing.

_ Fucking politicians. _

Ed nodded weakly, and let himself be escorted away by Mustang.

“You could've told me I was being set up!” Edward exclaimed once they were out of earshot.

“The Fuhrer simply wanted to reestablish ties with a favourite of Central’s populace. It’s meant to endorse my promotion, and to reinforce Grumman’s leadership. I didn’t know that  _ that  _ was his reason for inviting you. If I  _ had  _ known I would have asked you to keep the swearing to a minimum.”

“Yeah right.” Ed said, “You just want printed proof to send to Al that I’m a lost cause. Fuck! If those reporters quote me I will never hear the end of it! I can already hear Al yelling at me for calling people ‘geezers’.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much.” Roy said as he opened the door to the Library, “Grumman’s office will edit the story to make sure that it is up to his standards. I strongly doubt he wishes to encourage people to refer to him as a  _ ‘geezer’ _ I think he prefers the term  _ ‘refined gentleman’ _ ”

“Fucking military.” Ed grumbled.

“Indeed.” Mustang said. 

“I guess it's too late now. Come on, Mustang! I was promised food and I’m still hungry.” Ed said as he perked his head up glancing around the room.

“How can you possibly still be hungry?! The pile of food on your plate was so high I couldn’t see you for most of the dinner.” Mustang said.

“I’m a growing boy. I need my food.”

Mustang snorted. “You’ll be growing alright, just not in a vertical direction.”

“Oh please, the amount of effort it takes to drag my automail around will keep me fit for decades.”

“Remember that you only have one automail limb, not two.” Mustang said.

“Kinda hard to forget something like that Mustang.”

The General hummed in agreement as they walked across the ballroom. The hired band was playing some old waltz music that Ed vaguely remembered from Pinako’s record collection.

“Urg, why are people dancing, when they could be getting some of these delicious things?” Ed asked, as he grabbed a couple of chocolate squares from a passing server who was making his rounds.

“Well, most people here do not have endless voids where their stomachs should be.” Mustang said. “Besides, dancing is quite a lot of fun.”

Ed snorted through a mouthful of delicious chocolate goo.

Mustang tilted his head at him. “Have you ever danced, Edward?”

The look of sheer disbelief should have been enough to convey his answer, but clearly he was talking to an idiot, so he clarified. “Automail leg. I’m not exactly tripping over myself to go out and faceplant in front of an audience.”

“Did Miss. Rockbell design your leg to be clumsy, or is that a skill you managed all on your own?” Mustang asked.

“Piss off.” Ed said as he took his last bite of his chocolate snack. “I have had better coordination with only 2 limbs, than you have ever had with 4.”

“A true testament to Ms. Rockbell’s genius.” Mustang said, “And yet you seem to think that you’d be awful at dancing.”

“I haven’t exactly had the time to learn how to do it. I’ve been a little bit busy trying not to die for the last 10 years.”

Mustang smiled. “An accomplishment that would make learning the waltz, appear inconsequential I suppose.”

“Go dance with Hakuro’s wife. That should piss him off.” Ed said.

“As much pleasure as that would bring me, I am not in the habit of dancing with other people’s wives, Edward. This waltz isn’t difficult to learn, it looks much more impressive than it actually is.”

Ed shook his head. “Nope, I’ve got better shit to do with my time, so unless I suddenly regrow my leg, I’ll die without having ever danced.”

Mustang smirked “If I didn’t know better I would comment on how you are beginning to make it sound like a euphemism, Edward.”

Ed flushed a deep scarlet. “Oh, Shut Up!” He looked away. “Urgh. And for fucks sake, call me Ed. No one calls me ‘Edward’ unless I’ve destroyed their home, or pissed off their uncle.”

“Only if you stop calling me ‘Mustang’. Only people in the military do that, and as you have reminded me on several occasions, you are no longer in the military.”

“Alright.” Ed agreed. “So, tell me, do you prefer Bastard with a capital B, or do you keep it all written in lowercase?”

“Oh, nothing quite so magnanimous, you can simply call me Roy.”

“Well,  _ Roy, _ could you tell me where that waiter with those chocolate things went? They are really fucking good.”

Roy looked around. “I do not know, but I did see a server carrying a tray heading towards the bar.”

“Well, come on then!” Ed said as he grabbed his uniform sleeve, before remembering that they were essentially at a fancy military networking event, and pausing. “Unless you have something better to go do.” He added with a hint of insecurity seeping into his voice. “I’m sure there are a dozen people who want to congratulate you.”

Ed was avoiding Roy’s eyes by focusing on the rather bland statue of some long dead dignitary that decorated one of the corners of the room, when he felt Roy’s hand clasp his shoulder, and he finally met his eyes.

“No, Ed. There isn’t anything else I would rather do.” 

Well fuck. Maybe Roy… Shit, it didn’t matter. A General needs a beautiful and politically correct piece of arm candy, not a legless and alchemy-less brat. _ He’d just called the Fuhrer a geezer for fucks sake _ ! Nope. Time to get chocolate and drinks. He spun around fast enough to only let the Bastard see the faintest hint of the flush he felt on his face. “Come on then.” He said, tugging the uniform sleeve.”

For once in his life, Roy Mustang followed him without making a single remark. Ed had spotted the tray of the chocolate things on the bar and had gotten the bartender’s attention before Roy spoke another word.

“I’ll have whatever is sweet enough to kill a colony of ants.” Ed said.

Roy made a slightly disgusted face. “And I’ll take a gin and tonic.”

“Ew. Those are gross.” Ed said, sticking his tongue out.

“When you get to be my age, you start trying to avoid turning your blood into syrup.” 

“You’re not even _ that  _ old. What? Did you accidentally burn your tastebuds off?” Ed asked, “Don’t tell me you tested that crap you did to Envy on yourself.”

“No.” Roy said incredulously, “I did no such thing. If anything, you are the one with a below average number of taste buds considering how quickly you eat. Have you never taken time to simply enjoy a meal?”

Ed snorted, “I did once and I found out that eating fast is just as good as eating slow. The main difference is that if I eat fast, I have more time for research.”

“Ah.” Roy said.

Ed looked at him, trying to find the mockery but finding none. The bar only had a few people lingering, almost everyone was either dancing or watching the dancing. There was a soft clinking behind him, and he faced the bar to see a tall glass of red and orange liquid with an orange slice and cherry on the rim of the cup. Nice! This should keep the scurvy at bay. He tasted it and found that it was the perfect balance of sugar and sugar. Roy was also tasting his own drink and Ed looked over Roy’s shoulder just in time to see Hakuro approaching.

“Congratulations on the promotion  _ General. _ ” Hakuro said.

Roy gave a short nod. “Thank you  _ Lieutenant General _ . Congratulations on yours as well.”

A look of hate flashed in Hakuro’s eyes. “Well it does take time to climb the ranks. Anyone who rises too quickly comes under suspicion.” He paused and tilted his head. “Remind me how long ago it was that you were only a Colonel?”

Roy’s poker face remained impenetrable, but Ed knew better than to take his expression at face value.

“I was promoted in late 1915, so that makes it five years.” Roy said with a shrug.

“Four promotions in 5 years?” Hakuro said with fake surprise. “That is  _ remarkable _ .”

“Thank you.” Roy said, taking a sip of his drink. “I am honoured by the Fuhrer’s faith in my leadership.”

“Of course.” Hakuro said. “I saw Major Hawkeye earlier this evening. It must be pleasant to have the Fuhrer’s granddaughter in your office.”

Ed rolled his eyes. _ Really? _ Was this Hukaro’s game?

“The Major would be an asset to any team. She is excellent at enforcing policies, and her promotion to Major was well deserved.” Roy said.

Hakuro nodded. “Of course. However; I suppose the Fuhrer would like his granddaughter to marry someone with a high rank.” 

Could he be anymore obvious? Ed nearly laughed out loud. He had spent his early teen years watching Mustang weaving traps with his words, and here was Hukaro trying to copy him, but with a complete lack of understanding of the art of manipulation. Going by the nearly imperceptible twitch in Roy’s eye, he felt the same way.

“I would not know.” Roy said calmly. “The Major could enter the upper ranks herself, I strongly doubt she would rely on a spouse to hold a rank.”

Yeah. Hukaro would be a dead man if Hawkeye ever heard about this conversation.

“Hmm.” Hukaro hummed indifferently before looking at Ed for the first time. “Good evening, Elric.”

“Evening.” Ed said coldly.

“It has been a pleasure to speak with you both, now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to have a chat with General Fey, she seems to have disappeared.” Hakuro said, before fading back into the crowd.

Ed finally let out the laugh he had been suppressing. “What an idiot! Hawkeye is gonna shoot him when she hears about this!”

Roy’s smile is hidden by his drink. “I doubt she will be very pleased to hear that I am being promoted so that she can marry a General.”

“I’m sure she’s gonna be thrilled. When are you gonna propose?” Ed snickered.

“I’d rather not. I suspect she would shoot me before dumping my body in a ‘NO’ shaped box. I shudder to imagine the bones she’d have to break to get me to fit in such a position.”

“Sounds about right.” Ed agreed, “How did you manage to out rank Hakuro? I mean, he’s an idiot, but he’s been a lower general for ages.”

“I believe that his initial success came from having family connections, which is why he thinks that the Fuhrer is promoting me for his granddaughter.” Roy sighs. “Unbeknownst to him, you can rise through the ranks by your own merits.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Ed said. “He’s an idiot.”

“One of many left by the Bradley regime. They will not disappear, but they need to be redirected. Hakuro thinks that the only reform this country needs is through its borders. He thinks that we need access to the ocean, so we must destroy Arugo. Luckily no one agrees with him.

Ed winced, “Yeah. Let's not start up that war again, Fuery still has nightmares about it.”

The sea of blue dress uniforms was only broken by the occasional flash of colour. Ed could see a few of the military wives dressed in gowns, and he spotted Colonel Vargas standing chatting with his husband. Wasn’t Vargas the guy Havoc said had pushed for the abolishment of the State Alchemist Program?

“What’s Vargas’ deal with the State Alchemists?” He asked Roy.

“Colonel Vargas used to be one of Armstrong’s men before he transferred here from Briggs.” Roy said, following Ed’s gaze. “He is of the opinion that any well trained man has no need for alchemy, and that state funds would be better spent training soldiers.”

Ed shuddered, “Hell no! If every soldier was as deadly as the men of Briggs, then we would have wars on all borders! The only thing that keeps Armstrong and her men contained is the freezing death trap they live in.”

“Mmm.” Roy agreed, “Imagine how much deadlier they could be if they weren’t constricted by their thick coats.”

“Exactly my point. Fuck that!” 

“Vargas made some good arguments, and General Armstrong agreed with him on all points, however, he later conceded that medical alchemy would be of great use, and so he was the one to sponsor the Bone Alchemist during their state exams.”

“Oh,” Ed said. “I didn’t know that. I guess he’s not all bad then.”

Roy turned to look at him, “ Very few people are ‘ _ all _ bad.’ Even Hakuro has his good side.”

“Which is?” 

“His backside. When he is finally walking away from you after making you suffer his presence.”

Ed burst out laughing, and had to put down his drink to keep from spilling it. “Didn’t know you were into checking out Hakuro’s backside.” He said in between gasps of air.

“I do make a point of checking out  _ everyone’s _ backside Ed.” Roy said with an air of dignity that Ed could easily see through.

“Bastard! I bet you even have a ranking system you perv!”

“Why of course.” The dark eye glinted mischievously. “I rate everyone from a Hakuro, all the way up to an Elric.” 

_ “What?” _ Ed nearly shrieked.

“Do you object?” Roy asked innocently.

Ed flushed a deep red, and with one last swip of his drink he abandoned the glass. The Bastard followed him. Of course he did! He couldn’t ever leave him alone.

“Where are we going?” Said the Bastard that Ed was going to kill one day.

Ed thought quickly. He really didn’t know where to go other than as far as fucking possible from The Bastard. Oh wait, he had an idea. “ **_I_ ** am going to the library. Grumman said there was a photographer.”

“Good idea, might as well get that out of the way.” Roy said.

“Go find Hawkeye, and do the photo session with her. I’m tired of your shit.”

Roy sighed, “Hawkeye has been tired of me much longer than you have been, I don’t particularly care to have her glaring at me while the photographer tries to take the shot.”

“You’d deserve it.” Ed hissed.

“For what?” Roy asked. “For complimenting you?”

Ed stopped, and spun around to face the Bastard, “No! For your bullshit sweet talk! “ He hissed. “Fucking hell! Have you ever tried shutting up?”

“I have, and I found it to be distressingly boring.” Roy said, “And my ‘sweet talk’ isn’t ‘bullshit’ my compliments are always sincere.”

_ What the hell was he supposed to say to that? _ Ed tore his eyes away from the Bastard’s face, and settled on the door a few steps away, that was the library if he remembered correctly. He shoved the door open, hoping that it would slam into the Bastard. No such luck. 

The Fuhrer’s library was spacious, and gloriously devoid of any guests except for the older woman who stood beside a camera. 

“Mr. Elric I assume.” The lady said.

Ed nodded.

“Alright. I will need you and the General to stand here by the window.” She gestured.

Ed sighed and let himself be positioned beside Mustang. The lady adjusted their shoulders before focusing the camera and taking the shot. Hopefully Ed didn’t look like death. It was hard to look like anything but trash when you were standing beside, and being compared to Roy Mustang. Hopefully the low quality of the newsprint images will play in Ed’s favour by simply not representing Roy in HD. 

“Thank you gentlemen for your time.” The lady said, as she reloaded her camera.

And that was the very last thing that Ed remembered.


	3. Chapter 3

The first thing Ed became aware of was the numb feeling in his limbs. He could feel his fingertips rubbing against the gritty surface of the floor, but he couldn’t feel his arm or hand. His eyelids refused to open, and a soft scratching sound was the only indication that his foot was moving. Something was off. It took an embarrassingly long moment to realize that he could feel the particles of dirt on his flesh foot, so that must mean he wasn’t wearing shoes. He tried once again to open his eyes, but still couldn’t manage it. Forcing himself to stay calm was surprisingly easy, as he really couldn’t care less what was happening. All he wanted to do was sleep.

* * *

Unfortunately, the sense of calm was gone the next time he tried to open his eyes. His eyelids felt like bricks, and when he finally opened them, he saw that his hands were cuffed in front of him, and he was no longer wearing a suit, but a ragged looking tunic thing. A flash of dizziness clouded his vision as he tried to get a better look around. He was lying face up on the cement floor of a room that had absolutely nothing in it but a single bulb, a door, and a large irregular shape that lay a few steps away. He thought he had heard gunfire, but had that been a dream?

He tried to sit up, but only managed to move his head up a few inches. Well shit. With a sigh, he let his head fall back and his neck twist to the side. The room swam around him, as he tried to focus on the shape that he couldn’t identify, what could it be? He could lift his legs now, and there was more feeling in his arms, but still, he didn’t have much strength. One more minute of rest couldn’t hurt now could it?

* * *

This time, when Ed woke up, he was able to sit up without much trouble. What had happened? All he remembered was the stupid party, the photographer, and stupid Mustang... _ OH SHIT! _

“Fuck.” He cursed, standing up. “Mustang?!” He spun around, only stumbling a little, as the remnants of whatever drug was in his system made his legs tremble. He flung himself towards the dark shape that lay so still.

“You BASTARD! You’d better not be dead!” Ed leaned over the body and pushed the mussed hair back.

Roy lay still. Too still. He had been dressed in the same tunic thing that Ed was now wearing, but he felt cold to the touch, and the hands that were bound in shackles lay still.

“You FUCKER!” Ed nearly screamed, “WAKE UP!” He placed the cuffed hands against his neck, desperately feeling for a pulse. He cursed the limitations the handcuffs put on his wrists.

It took a second, but there it was. A heart beat, followed by a shallow breath in, and a nearly imperceptible exhale. Ed sat back with a near cry of relief. Fucking Mustang and his theatrics. Ed cast a glance around the small room. There was a bucket with a lid in the far corner that he hadn’t noticed before, and what looked to be a towel, or blanket. Upon investigation Ed found that it was a small flannel blanket that looked like it had been washed a decade ago. With a quick shake that threatened to expose him to diseases that hadn’t been seen for generations, he laid it down beside Roy, and with a shove he rearranged the General into the recovery position. The blanket was thin, but it would provide some insulation from the cold floor. Pity it was too small to wrap around him as well.

“You Bastard.” Ed said into the dark room. “Always getting me into trouble. I knew I should have stayed in Creta.”

It wasn’t fair. Hadn’t they suffered enough? Both of them had gone through more than their fair share of troubles, and instead of a peaceful life, they had managed to get themselves kidnapped. It really was not fair. Ed looked down at Roy, and felt his hand. Ice cold. It wasn’t exactly cold in the room, but it definitely was not warm and it felt damp. Maybe they were in some sort of basement. There were no windows, and the door was made of solid steel. The light bulb was a small brown thing that looked like it had been taken from those light strings that decorated houses during the winter season. It barely made enough light to cast shadows. The room was barely large enough to fit a desk and a bed if it had been set up as a bedroom, but if that was the final goal, then something would have to be done about the exposed cement that surrounded them on all the walls.

Ed looked at Roy in concern and, with a sigh, lay down behind him, and pressed up close. It was a bit weird, but Mustang was cold, and there was no other way of keeping him warm, especially with his hands cuffed. The automail leg made a screeching sound as he arranged himself, but the noise did not wake him. 

* * *

Ed had no idea how long he lay awake staring at the ceiling, nor how long he slept, but it must have been several hours; because when he reopened his eyes, Roy was sitting up and looking around blearily.

“Where are we?” Roy asked.

“No, idea. Some sort of basement I think.” Ed said, rubbing some feeling back into the arm he had been sleeping on.

“Hmm, I don’t remember buying this...dress?” He said quizzically as he ran the fabric through his fingers. “I don’t think this cut is very flattering on me, I’d personally prefer something with a bit more shape.”

“Oh, shut up, it’s a tunic! It’s what people wore ages ago.” Ed said.

“No, it's much too long to be a tunic,” Roy said “This is more of a robe.”

“Does it matter!?” Ed asked in frustration, “We’ve been fucking kidnapped and you are complaining about the clothes?”

“Well, if you’d prefer me to complain about the shackles on my wrists, I could regale you with a lengthy description of how sore my hands are.”

Oh, right. “Do they really hurt?” Ed asked as he sat up to investigate.

“A little.” Roy said, letting Ed see the dark bruises that had formed.

“Shit. I guess I’m lucky they know I can’t do alchemy, because that looks painful.”

Roy hummed in agreement, and Ed looked at him. “What happened?”

“Mhmm, well, after the photographer lady took our photo I remember you getting a dart in your arm, and I saw you fall. I think I felt more than one dart hit me, but I don’t really know. I was too busy preparing to snap.”

“You’ve been out for ages, so that would explain it.” Ed said. “I woke up a few times, but I couldn’t move and you were cold, and barely breathing.”

Roy looked at the blanket he was sitting on, “Thank-you for this.” He said, gesturing at the blanket, and presumably, at the body warmth Ed had shared.

“Well, I couldn’t let you die now could I? Hawkeye would kill me, and then Al would kill her.” Ed said, “Then Black Hayate would kill Al in revenge, because Al can’t hurt animals. It would be a bloodbath.”

“Very sensible.” Roy agreed. “I shall do my utmost to prevent such carnage.”

“You don’t seem very worried about the fact that we’ve been fucking kidnapped.” Ed said.

“Why would I be? I’m here with you, and we both know how good you are at escaping impossible situations. And besides, I don’t feel particularly helpless.” Roy said calmly.

Ed studied him for a moment. “Does anyone know you can do clap alchemy?” He asked.

Roy grinned, “No. I kept that particular bit of information for myself. If I had made it public, then they would have done more than take away my gloves and chalk.”

The metal cuffs that encircled Roy’s wrists were held together by a metal bar that restricted his movements, but it only took a glance to realize that it was too short to prevent his fingertips from touching each other.

“I think I have this exact model at home.” Roy said thoughtfully, as he inspected the rigid cuffs, “Interesting that our kidnappers cuffed you with regular handcuffs, and that they cuffed me with a spreader bar.”

Ed coughed, “ _ A what _ ?”

“A spreader bar.” Roy said looking up with amusement, “Are you familiar with these forms of restraints?”

Ed flushed, and avoided the question by jumping to his feet, which was a mistake as he still felt slightly dizzy, but he maintained his balance and glared down at Roy, who had yet to try and stand.

“Shut up, we have stuff to do!” Ed said.

“What  _ ‘stuff’ _ ?” Roy asked. “I am hardly able to stand, much less try to escape.”

“Well, maybe if you shut up, and save your energy, you might be able to escape with me before those bastards decide to come check on us.”

Roy looked at the door. “Is it locked?” he asked.

Ed stared at him. “ _ Is it locked? _ Are you shitting me? Obviously it’s locked you Bastard!” Ed exclaimed as he walked over to the door for the first time and tried the knob. It didn’t turn.

“ _ See _ !” He said. “How drugged are you?”

At the question Roy’s face did a weird scrunching thing, that Ed had never seen it do. “Very drugged.” Roy said, blinking slowly. “I can hear my voice echoing in my head, and I am unsure if we are on a boat or a carnival ride. Both would be possible considering how much the room is swaying.”

“You talk a lot for someone who’s drugged.”

Roy smiled like an especially happy 5 year old. “It’s one of my innumerable talents.”

Ed rolled his eyes, and stretched out a hand. “Can you stand?”

“I can’t even feel my legs.” Roy said, ignoring the hand. “I need some time to recuperate.”

“I don’t know if we even have time! I’m pretty sure we aren’t here to have cake and tea.” Ed said. “What if they show up and start shooting, or begin torturing you for state secrets?”

Roy laughed, “The only secret I know is that Hukaro has his initials embroidered on every item of clothing he owns. Frankly it is embarrassing.”

“Could you at least try and take this seriously?” Ed asked.

“I’ll try once I stop feeling like I’m in a blender.” 

“Lie down then.” Ed said, “I’ll try to keep you alive long enough for Hawkeye to kill you.”

“I’ll sit.” He said, as he slowly lowered himself back on to the floor. 

Ed paced around the walls of the room. He couldn’t tell if any of these walls were part of the exterior building, for all he knew they were 20 floors underground in Creta. How long had they been out? It could have been a week for all they knew. The tunic he was wearing reached just past his knees, and was made of some scratchy linen. A thought suddenly occurred to Ed, and he felt through the material at his hip, and to his dismay, he didn’t feel the outline of his underwear. Something in the corner of his eye caught his attention, and he spun around to face Roy.

“Whatcha lookin at?” He asked, seeing Roy’s eyes on him.

“Nothing.” Roy replied.

“Bullshit.”

The Bastard smiled. “Well, if you really must know, I was observing how well this style of clothing fits you.”

“What!?” Ed asked, as his brain drew to a halt. “The fuck? I didn’t exactly choose this asshole!” He glared at Roy, “Is this some comment on how I look like garbage, and now this sack is like a garbage bag? Because if it is, I’m gonna let them kill you.”

The Asshole  _ laughed _ . “I meant that it is a basic and practical item of clothing, simple and straightforward, much like your personality.” He ignored Ed’s glare. “It’s quite the opposite of what you used to wear.”

“Yeah, well if I had been given a choice, I wouldn’t have fucking chosen an itchy sack.” Ed grumbled. “And I would at least have insisted on shoes.”

Roy winced, “That may become a problem.”

“Ya don’t say? Winry is gonna kill me if I scratch my foot.” Ed said, looking at his automail with concern. “If I have to walk on gravel to get out of here, I might as well let the kidnappers kill me. They’d be nicer about it than she will be.” He sighed and went to sit beside Roy. “Do you think they are after me or you?”

“Probably me. Very few people knew you were coming, and there was no way of knowing I would be accompanied when I went to get the photograph taken, so I suspect the photographer and her accomplices took you because they couldn't get us separated.” Roy turned an assessing eye towards Ed, “They must have known who you were as they used regular handcuffs on you. It is pretty common knowledge that you can’t do alchemy anymore.”

“How’d that get out? I didn’t exactly tell people.” Ed asked.

“One of the nursing staff at the hospital sold the news story to the press soon after your resignation was made official. We made sure the hospital was held accountable for this breach of privacy.”

“I didn’t know.” Ed said, “Gossip from Central doesn’t really make it to Resembool...I guess. But wait, why didn’t anyone try to test me? I would have wanted to know how losing alchemy was possible if I were them.”

“I ensured that contacting you over this matter would be considered a matter of national security.” Roy shrugged, “Anyone found studying the matter would be considered a threat to the State Alchemists and therefore the military.”

“Oh.” Ed said. “Thanks.”

“My pleasure. I didn’t think you would enjoy all the questions that would inevitably lead to your execution for conducting human transmutation.” Roy said with an easy smile.

Ed nodded as he tried to ignore the flash of panic.  He and Al had been very lucky to get away with the whole thing.

“Did anything else like that happen after we left Central?” Ed asked.

“No. Fortunately most of the rumours were hushed up by Grumman’s office, a few soldiers actually witnessed you fighting Father, and they were briefed on the situation and sworn to secrecy.” Roy grinned, “Hawkeye has accused me of spreading rumours suggesting that the lab experiment you fought sucked away all of your alchemical ability, and that the military is trying to harness that creature to keep the State Alchemists in check.”

“Did anyone actually believe that crap?” Ed asked.

“It is one of the more believable rumours.” Roy said, “Only a handful of people know what actually happened, and even the Fuhrer doesn’t know about the extent of your involvement; although, I do believe he has his suspicions.”

Ed managed another nod. He and Al had been  _ extremely lucky _ . It had been years, and he had avoided news from Central like the plague. He didn’t want to know what had and hadn’t gotten out, and he certainly didn’t want to know if the Colonel Bastard had managed to keep his head off the chopping block--well that wasn’t quite true, he had spent an unhealthy amount of time reading and rereading any letter they received from Central looking for any hints that something might be wrong.--Regardless, he had been far too busy taking care of Al, and dodging Winry’s wrenches to care for what was happening in Central. He and Al had drawn up a plan for what to do if the military decided to come after them, but they had never had to use it. The only news they received from Central was promising, and full of changes that the new Fuhrer was making. Al wrote back congratulations whenever they were called for, and addressed his letters to Mustang’s office, Gracia, and a handful of other people who they maintained in close contact. The letters Al and he wrote were comparatively boring, as nothing ever happened in Resembool, but there had been a few encounters with angry sheep that Al had included alongside reports of their plans to visit neighboring countries. If it hadn’t been for Al, Ed would have never written a single letter, but even after Al left for Xing, he continued to write once every few months with a handful of sentences about his travels in Creta. Gracia told him she kept every one of his and Al’s letters, and Hawkeye had written telling him that she used the new letters as bribes to keep the office running smoothly. It had been nice to learn that Team Mustang cared to hear about his travels, even though his letters were short, and lacking any of Al’s eloquence.

He looked at Roy, who sat with his head in his hands, looking a bit paler than he had moments earlier.

“You wanna lie down?” He asked.

“I want to get out of here.” Roy said, “But I don’t think I can do much of anything at the moment.”

Ed rolled his eyes. “Go to sleep. When you wake up the drug will be out of your system. I don’t want you trying to do alchemy when you can’t even see straight.”

Roy attempted to move, but a look of panic flashed in his eyes, and he fell forward on to his elbows and retched. 

Ed pushed himself backwards to avoid getting hit. He stood, grimaced at the sounds the general made, and knelt beside him to help hold up his head. It took a few more seconds before Roy’s breathing returned to normal, and he nearly collapsed.

“Hey!” Ed said, “Wait! I need to move you unless you want to faceplant in your own vomit.” He grabbed Roy by the shoulders, and rolled him away from his mess. The movement wasn’t going to help with the dizziness, but it was better than being caked in your own sick. The blanket was quickly pulled away from the mess, and moved to a safe distance before Ed guided Roy down onto it. 

“You better?” Ed asked.

“Water?” was the response.

“Tough shit.” Ed replied. “The hospitality here sucks. Hopefully we won’t have to resort to drinking our own urine.”

A sound that could have been a laugh emanated from Roy, but it could have also been a gasp for air. Ed wasn’t sure.

“Sleep. Stay on your side so you don’t choke on your own vomit though. Hawkeye will put your cause of death on your tombstone, and no one will be able to avoid making comments about how you finally choked to death on your own shit after doing nothing but talking crap for your whole life.”

“Military regulations forbid anything other than dates and names on tombstones.” Roy said hoarsely.

“In military graveyards.” Ed said. “Hawkeye is not gonna let you be buried anywhere other than a garbage dump if you die here. She’ll get the entire dumpsite named after you.”

The bastard hummed in agreement while Ed let his nose get accustomed to the sharp smell of vomit. There was nothing to be done. The bucket in the corner would be needed as a toilet, and there was nothing else in the room. Hopefully they wouldn’t be here much longer.

* * *

Ed awoke to find his head on Roy’s ribcage, and his face sticky with drool. He sat up slowly, noting that the effects of the drug had finally worn off. 

Roy was still asleep, but he was showing signs of waking up. Ed looked around. Nothing had changed, how weird. Where were their captors? Why hadn’t they been interrogated, or probed, or tortured? He hadn’t been to the washroom yet, so they hadn’t been in here for days...unless...Ed grimaced, now he knew why he was wearing this sad excuse for clothing. Whatever the hell they had been given clearly affected their muscles, so that meant that any sphincters in his body would have ’let go’. He had been drinking a lot at the banquet, so that explained why they had been stripped. For the first time he appreciated the scratchy tunic. He looked at the bucket, now that he had begun thinking about using the toilet, he found himself needing to go. A quick glance at Roy confirmed that he was not yet awake, so he stalked over to the bucket and relieved himself.

The lid on the bucket prevented the smell from permeating the room like the vomit had, but Ed didn’t particularly want to use it again.

If they were in the city, they would only have to break out of the cell once Roy felt like he could walk, and then they might have to fight their guards, before getting Hawkeye to come pick them up. If they were in the countryside, it would be a bit more difficult, but at least they might find a stream, or a pond. The area around Central was pretty populated, so even out in a field, they wouldn’t be far from civilization.

“Ed?” 

Ed looked at Roy who was beginning to sit up.

“You alive?” Ed asked.

Roy’s eyes squeezed shut, and he tried to rub his face with his arm. “Regrettably.” He opened his mouth with a disgusted look. “I feel like I ate a corpse.”

“No one has brought us water so you’re gonna have to deal with it.” Ed said. “Can you stand?”

“I think so,” Roy said. “Is that bucket our toilet?” He asked, gesturing to it.

“Yep, but unless you want to make a mess, I think you should free your hands first.” Ed said.

Roy looked down at the manacles with a slightly glazed look, before he blinked hard and brought his finger tips together in a mock clap. The weak blue light that lit up the room grew brighter as the chain and metal bar trembled and finally fell to pieces.

“Shit. Either we stay here till you feel like you can do proper alchemy again, or we hope that we can make a run for it.” Ed said.

“I would like to go to sleep in my bed as soon as possible.” Roy said as he slowly rose to his feet. “I think now is as good of a time as any. I fear the dehydration will get us before our captors will.” He gestured at the handcuffs around Ed's wrists, and with another unsteady clap they fell away.

Ed nodded, rubbing his wrists “Yeah I’m beginning to get a headache.”

“Well then. No time to lose.” Roy said, as he went over to the bucket. 

Ed focused on examining his hands. “Whenever you’re ready.” He said.

Roy placed the lid back on the bucket once he was done and strode over to the door. “Ready?”

“Go for it.” Ed said as he stood up. He watched as Roy set his shoulders, and extended his hands. Despite the tunic, and the mussed hair, The Flame Alchemist was back.

It wasn’t fair that the bastard looked good in everything he wore. This tunic was as close to a paperbag as anything Ed had seen him wear, and he still looked fucking good in it. Ed was sure he looked like a goblin trying to pass as a human, but Roy somehow made the loose linen look like something off a fashion magazine. 

The air sizzled with energy as the door crumpled in on itself before transforming into a bat, and a pile of throwing knives.

“A bat? Really?” Ed asked, staring at the metal weapon Roy was picking up.

“Focus.” Roy said, as they both looked out into the darkness. 

The smell made Ed gag but no sounds came, and he used the moment to reach down and take 2 knives from the pile. The cold metal sitting heavily in his hands. They stood crouched and ready for an attack, but nothing happened. Finally Roy stepped out and clapped, forming a ball of fire in his hand. He held it out and Ed saw what lay around them.

They appeared to be in the unfinished cellar of a house, there were two more rooms besides the one he and Roy had been kept in, but those rooms were open, and the doors were covered in brain matter and various other bodily fluids that seemed to have hit every wall. The source of the mess lay on the floor. Three men lay mangled on the floor, with their bodies riddled with bullets.

“Fucking shit!” Ed whispered, as he tiptoed behind Roy, who peeked into the two other rooms.

Roy turned and gave him a quick gesture indicating that they would be going up the stairs that were in the far corner. Ed nodded as he stepped over some dead guy’s hand. 

The steps creaked with their weight, but no one seemed to be in the house. Roy peeked out of the basement door and into the main floor. The fire flickered, sending shadows up and down the walls, and Ed gagged as the smell of the basement hit him again.

“Sshh” Roy said, as he grabbed Ed’s hand and pulled him closer. They both froze trying to hear any sounds, but nothing came.

Tightening his grip on Ed’s hand, Roy stepped off the stairs and on to the wooden floor of an abandoned living room. There was nothing but dust and some old furniture scattered around, and going by the boarded up windows, Ed guessed they were in some abandoned house. He spotted the door just as Roy did, and they approached it carefully. A quick peek through the cracked peep hole showed nothing except darkness, so there was nothing for it but to simply open the door. It wasn’t locked, and with a smooth flick of the wrist, Roy had opened it, and had pulled Ed back in fear of a potential rain of bullets. Only silence and cool fresh air greeted them.

“Come on.” Roy hissed, and they stepped out of the house, off the crumbling porch, and on to the overgrown path that led away from the house.

Ed was by no means out of shape, but the combination of exhaustion and dehydration made it difficult to keep up with Roy who seemed to have forgotten he had been given a greater dose of the drug and had been unwell not long ago. The night was dark, and the glimpses of the sky that Ed got showed him an early evening sky. There was no way it was the same day. They must have been down there for at least a full day. The ball of flame in Roy’s hand grew brighter as they got further away from the house, and Ed was finally able to see the path below his feet. He hadn’t noticed the pain over the adrenaline, but there were a lot of rocks, and he knew that his feet would be very sore once they got to safety.

The path led them around a few curves, before it intersected with a dirt road. Ed looked around but couldn’t see very far due to the trees.

“Left or right?” He asked Mustang.

“Left.”

“Kay.” Ed said, and walked onto the dirt road. “If we hear any engine noises, we jump into the ditch and hide.”

“Really?” Roy asked, “I thought carjacking would be your preference. Since when do you run and hide from your problems?”

“Since carjacking is a felony, and you’d get demoted after all the paperwork was filed.” Ed said. 

“That is remarkably considerate of you.” Roy said.

“Yeah, well hurry up. My feet hurt, and I’m pretty sure Winry is gonna kill me for the scratches on my foot.” Ed said. They were nearing what looked to be a clearing, and he began to walk faster.

Ed looked with dismay at the surrounding countryside. The stars lit up the landscape just enough for him to make out a few hills, and a large lake at the base of a valley. They were apparently on a hill that was situated in the middle of nowhere. The surrounding hills obscured any potential town lights that might have been on the horizon, and the dirt road they had been following was becoming progressively grassier and much more overgrown. 

“I think we should have turned right.” Ed said.

“My apologies.” Roy replied, “shall we turn around?”

Ed looked out over the scenery one last time before something caught his eye.

“Hey, do you see that?” He asked, pointing towards the shore of the lake.

“What am I supposed to be looking at?” 

“That little hut thing. I think it might be some sort of cottage.” Ed said.

Roy squinted but shook his head. “I can’t see it. Marcoh did what he could for my vision, but I never regained it in its entirety.”

“It’s about half a kilometre down and half hidden by some bushes.” Ed said, “We can go down there and warm up, it's freaking cold.”

“I don’t particularly fancy walking through a field of grass without any shoes.” 

“Me neither, but I feel like shit and unless you wanna drag my corpse back to HQ we should check it out.” Ed said.

“Lead the way.” Roy gestured with his arm and Ed stepped off the grassy road and into the field. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eh, guys I tried. Also I barely edited so whoops.  
> I didn't want to write action scenes, hence the off screen wrap up of the situation.

“Ouch!” Ed said for the thousandth time.

“For someone with only one foot to injure you seem to be having more trouble than I am.”

Ed growled but didn’t say anything.

“Ouch.” Roy muttered, stopping to examine his foot.

“Did you hurt your princess feet?” Ed mocked, turning to look at him.

“I stepped on something sharp.”

“Boo-hoo, come on! We are almost there---FUCK!” Ed cursed as he hopped backwards, taking his flesh foot off what felt like a hedgehog.

“Did you hurt your princess feet Edward?” Roy asked, the concern in his voice buried under layers of amusement.

“I don’t have princess feet, Roy. I have manly feet. Big manly feet.” Ed said, flicking the burr out of his heel and continuing forward.

“Hmm, well you do know what they say about men with big feet.”

Ed wanted to stop. He wanted to stop, turn around and smack the idiot so that maybe he’d get some blissful silence. Luckily for Roy, the hut was only a few steps away, and Ed redirected his anger towards the door, which easily gave in with one swift kick.

It was a small hunting cabin. One grimy glass window was blocked by the bushes that hid the structure. Below the window there was a tiny kitchenette with a wood burning stove and one stool. Opposite the window, pressed up against the back wall, was a cot that stretched the short width of the cabin and was stripped bare of any blankets.

“I’m pretty sure the shower stalls in the dorms are larger than this place.” Ed said, walking over to the tiny wood stove, and to his delight, found that it was already stuffed with sticks.

There were some rustling noises coming from the cot, and Ed turned to see Roy pulling a tightly sealed container from underneath the bed.

“Bedclothes!” Roy said, sounding pleased as he shook them out. “Smells like cedar and lavender,” He continued, “Not a single bug in sight.”

Ed struck the match that was tucked away in one of the cupboards and held it up to the twigs until they burst into flame. “Looks like I might not freeze to death.” Ed said as he crammed more twigs into the little stove.

Roy seemed to be making good progress with setting up the cot, so Ed turned his attention to the cupboards. While digging for the matches he had seen a couple of sealed containers of apple juice, and a little bit more digging revealed a jar stuffed with jerky and tin of fruit salad. “Hungry?” He asked.

“Not really, but I suppose I should have something.” Roy said, reaching for the juice. “Thank-you.”

Ed shrugged, and gulped down half the can of fruit before offering the rest to Roy who took it, but paused staring at the burning stove.

“Put it out.” Roy said.

“It’s cold!” Ed protested, “I--”

“The night is too bright for the smoke coming from the chimney to be invisible.”

Ed paled and slapped himself mentally for his mistake. “Shit! You’re right!” He said, looking around for a way to extinguish the flames, but before he could make a move, Roy clapped his hands, and the flames died instantly.

“Sorry.” Ed said, looking at the remnants of the fire that Roy had suffocated by replacing all the air in the stove with Co2. He moved to the window and peaked through the bushes looking for any sign of movement. What the hell had he been thinking!? He must still be woozy from whatever they used to knock him out.

“It is probably fine Ed.” Roy sighed, shoulders slumping. “I doubt someone saw it.”

Ed wasn’t convinced, but the walk down here had been exhausting and his foot hurt from the burr that had embedded itself into his flesh. There was a rag and a bottle of first aid alcohol in one of the drawers, and Ed doused the rag before sitting on the stool as he wiped the cuts on his foot. It really wouldn’t be a good idea to get an infection while in fuckknowswhere.

Roy stood guard at the window, looking for any changes in the countryside. Ed finished his first aid work, and swapped places with him. The night was still, and there were no signs that they had been spotted, but that didn’t lessen the worry buried in the pit of Ed’s stomach. Someone had killed the men back at the house. Someone had killed them, and then not bothered to check the other rooms for occupants. That person could be long gone or they could still be hiding out in the woods.

A hiss distracted Ed and he looked over to see Roy grimacing as he pressed a cotton pad to a sluggishly bleeding wound on his heel. He couldn’t see much in the dim light, but there didn’t appear to be enough blood for it to be serious.

“I will never complain about the standard issue boots ever again.” Roy muttered as he reached for the bottle of alcohol and poured some more onto a fresh pad.

“You city kids and your obsession with shoes.” Ed said, returning his attention to the limited view offered by the window.

Roy huffed at the comment, but stayed silently focused on his task. Ed watched him, out of the corner of his eye, as he finally stood up and wandered over to the cot.

“I’ll take the first watch.” Roy said without turning around.

“No.” Ed said “I was the one who lit the fire, I’ll take first watch.”

“Alright, but we do need to share body heat.” Roy stated calmly.

“Duh. I’ll sit up against the wall or something so I don’t accidentally fall asleep.”

Roy nodded, and took a step back to let Ed crawl into the tiny space. There really wasn’t much room on the small mattress, so he finally settled on sitting at the foot of the bed with his back up against the wall and his legs underneath the thick blanket. Roy slipped in after him, the tunic wrapped tightly around his body. It was a tight fit, and Ed pressed as close to the back wall as he could. They fumbled a bit finding a comfortable position before settling with Ed’s flesh leg pressed up against Roy’s thigh, and Roy’s bandaged feet tucked under Ed’s ass.

There was an unusual quality to the silence that stretched between them that was unlike any that had been present before. Ed couldn’t tell if it was the proximity that they were forced to inhabit, or the face that he had never sat on cold feet that weren’t Al’s, but there was definitely something different about this whole thing.

“Are you comfortable?” Roy asked, his form visible though the dim moonlight.

“Yeah, it’s not too bad.” Ed said, “At least this way I won’t lose my leg to frostbite.”

“Hmm, Miss. Rockbell will be happy to hear that.”

“No shit. When I got my arm back she said that any other limbs I lose will be replaced by automail half the length of the lost limb. So if I lose my flesh leg, she’s gonna make me a pair of tiny baby automail legs, so that everyone knows that I misplaced my limbs like a toddler loses their toys.”

Roy laughed and Ed glared at him. “A single ‘height’ joke, and I'm gonna kick you to the floor.”

This only made Roy laugh harder, and Ed gave him a warning kick.

“Sorry--I was just--You have to admit that it is a rather funny image.” Roy said, managing to hold back his laughter.

“I don’t have to admit nothing.” Ed scowled.

A snort escaped Roy’s lips, and Ed considered stabbing him. Fortunately, Roy managed to keep the rest of his mirth to himself, and Ed settled into his night watch position. The walls of this cabin were thin, and the sounds from outside were easily heard in the ramshackle structure. The sound of grass rustling against the door, and the occasional sounds coming from the lake were the only noises to break the silence. He let his mind wander while his senses focused on filtering out harmless background noises. There was no way to tell how much time had passed, but it had been long enough for any reasonable man to have fallen asleep, unfortunately Roy Mustang was not a reasonable man.

“Asleep yet?”

“No.” Roy muttered, “Despite my best efforts I can’t seem to push aside the adrenaline from the day’s events.”

“What do you think happened at the house?” Ed asked.

“I see there being two possibilities. It could have been a rival faction who came in and took away other possible prisoners, but somehow didn’t check our room. However; I do not think that to be particularly likely, so I suspect that either a prisoner or a disillusioned guard decided to get out by killing those who stood guard before making their escape in the vehicle they must have had in order to bring us here. If a prisoner broke out, then assistance will be on the way.”

“So basically we should sit around and wait until help comes?” Ed asked.

“Yes.”

Ed groaned, “Fine, but if I die of boredom I will haunt the office.”

“Upon second thought, maybe we should start making our way to the nearest town if no help arrives by noon.”

“I like that plan better.” Ed grinned.

“In that case I must simply enjoy the one time thrill of sharing a bed with such an arresting young man.”

For a split second, Ed wondered if all of the oxygen in the room had been transmuted away. He must have been mistaken. There was no way he had heard those words leaving Roy’s mouth, but if he was wrong, then why was Roy looking at him like that? Like he was expecting a response? Shit! What was he going to say!?

“Uh--” Ed began, “It doesn’t have to be a one time thing ya’know.” He really was trying to keep contact with the moonlite onyx eyes that were fixed on him.

“No?”

Ed pressed his leg closer to Roy’s thigh. “No.”

The dim lighting made it impossible to read Roy’s expression, but the full body shiver that he gave at the contact made Ed’s breath catch in his throat. Slowly, like he was afraid that Roy would protest, Ed crawled up the bed until he was hovering right above Roy’s face.

“I’m gonna kiss you.” Ed said matter of factly, “Do you have a problem with that?”

Ed felt more than saw Roy shake his head, and with a razor sharp grin he closed the distance between them.

Roy’s lips were soft, and they parted almost instantly to give him more access. Ed let himself deepen the kiss until they were both pressing into each other with only the blanket keeping them apart. There was a tug on the fabric, and Ed lifted his body enough to let Roy pull the blanket away and clutch his hands into the tunic that hung loosely on Ed’s body. A groan interrupted the quiet, and there was no way to tell which one of them had let that noise escape. A sharp nip to Roy’s lip made the man shudder and wrap his legs around him to force their bodies closer, and Ed felt lightheaded at the sudden pressure as he kissed back furiously.

Time lost all meaning as they breathed in each other’s air, and Ed felt Roy’s lips on his neck slowly sucking kisses into the skin. The sensation of teeth made his head spin, and he arched into the pressure before reclaiming Roy’s mouth.

Finally Ed pulled back, just far enough to catch his breath and take in Roy’s mussed hair and glowing eyes.

“When we get back to Central,” Ed said breathlessly “You are going to invite me over to your place.”

“Am I?” Roy said, a slight hitch in his voice making Ed smirk.

“Yes.” He said, sitting back on his heels. “And we are gonna find out who has the quickest refractory time.”

“Sounds like quite the experiment.” Roy said, looking dejected at the space between them. “I suggest we begin immediately.”

Ed snorted, “Not a chance in hell. Can’t get distracted when we might get attacked by our kidnappers.”

“It was worth a try.” Roy shrugged, reaching out for the displaced blanket.

In one swift motion Ed was back in his sitting position, a safe distance away from the face that featured so often in his fantasies. “Sleep. I’ll wake you up in a bit and then we’ll switch.”

Roy grumbled something about being ‘too worked up for sleep’ but he obligingly closed his eyes, and Ed watched as his breathing slowed to a peaceful pace.

This was not how he had thought the evening would go, but so far it was working out in his favour. Maybe Roy would invite him over to his house, and maybe they’d have some mindblowing sex, and maybe just maybe Roy would want to do it again sometime. Hell, Ed would go dancing with him if he asked. The bastard was smooth enough for a dozen men, so maybe he would be able to guide him through a dance. Perhaps it was a bit early to be planning a wedding, but it was hard to ignore the way his heart was pounding at the thought of being able to have this for any length of time; he had wanted this for so long that even having it for a moment seemed unrealistic, so he would take what he could get regardless of whether it was one night or the rest of his life.

* * *

“Ed.” A voice said as a hand shook his shoulder.

Years of living dangerously had trained him to be alert within seconds, but that did not mean he enjoyed the sudden shift from peaceful sleep to adrenaline rush, especially when he jerked up so fast that the vertigo made the room swim.

“Yeah?” He asked, looking at Roy who was walking away from him and towards the window.

“Do you hear the engines?”

Ed held his breath for a second, and past the beating of his heart, he could hear the faint sound of vehicles driving on a gravel road.

“Can you see them?” Ed asked, jumping to his feet, ignoring the biting chill of the morning air.

“Not yet.” Roy said without turning around. “I suppose it could be the kidnappers, but it is unlikely that they’d travel with more than one automobile. It would draw too much attention.”

The window was lit with early morning light, and if Ed hadn’t been so focused on the distant road, he would have been able to appreciate the beauty of a meadow’s misty morning. Gray plumes arose over the trees, as the vehicles threw dust into the air, and Ed squinted as the first one passed through a gap in the trees heading for the abandoned house.

“Oh!” Ed said “That looked alot like a military truck.”

Another truck drove past, and Ed smiled as Roy visibly relaxed.

“Either the kidnappers have managed to steal 5 military trucks, or Hawkeye has finally decided to hunt you down for skipping out on her.” Ed grinned, “I’m gonna light a fire.”

Roy moved towards the door, as Ed reignited the stove he had desperately wished to use the night before. A pleading look towards Roy earned him a wonderful blast of heat as the Flame Alchemist rolled his eyes and sent a concentrated wave of oxygen directly into the little stove.

With one eye on the distant shapes, and the other on the warm glow of the fire, Ed sketched out a rough plan for what to do if their kidnappers had indeed snagged military transport. Obviously Roy could use the stove’s flames to ensure that no one got too close, and then they could make their way up to the trucks, burning everyone and anyone who dared stop them from hijacking their ride home.

“They have seen the smoke.” Roy said, peering out of the door. “There is a small contingent of soldiers making their way towards us, and they look to be Amestrian.”

“Fuck’s sake! I was just getting warm, close that door!” Ed grumbled, tossing more wood into the inferno.

Luckily for the room temperature, Roy did as Ed asked, as they watched the soldiers approach. They both heaved a sigh of relief when it became clear that Hawkeye was in the lead.

Ed ran fingers through his loose hair, and turned to the bed, grabbing the blanket to wrap around himself. “Only let Hawkeye in.” Ed said, “It’s still fucking cold and I don’t need that door open for longer than necessary.”

The brisk knock was answered by Ed’s enthusiastic ‘Finally!’ and Roy’s ‘Good morning Major.’

Hawkeye looked relieved, and the soldiers relaxed as Roy opened the door to let the Major into the slightly warmer air of the hut.

“I am happy to find you looking well, Sir.” She said, looking them both over. “Might I ask where you have left your uniform, General?”

Roy looked down at the tunic. “You are looking at it.” He said seriously, “I find that the old uniform is too restrictive, and this is a prototype for the uniform I hope to see everyone wearing this time next year.”

“A new uniform will come out of your own personal pocket, Sir.” Hawkeye said, clearly unimpressed.

“And my suit will be part of my compensation for keeping him from choking on his own vomit.” Ed stated, arms crossed and blanket wrapped tight. “I don’t get paid to deal with this shit anymore.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Hawkeye nearly smiled, “Are you two able to walk up to the road?”

“Hell no.” Ed said, as Roy shook his head. “We had to walk down here in the dark with no shoes, and Winry is probably already on her way to kill me for getting grass in her automail.”

“Could you send one of the men to fetch one of the trucks?” Roy asked. “The terrain isn’t difficult, and I believe that it would be more efficient than having the men carry Ed all the way back to the house.”

“I think we established that you are the one with princess feet.” Ed glared, “And no one is carrying me anywhere.” He could see the ‘small’ joke flit across Roy’s mind, and he looked at him, daring Roy to vocalize the thought.

Hawkeye sighed in irritation and they both snapped their mouths shut. She did not take her eyes off of them as she opened that door and ordered one of the soldier’s to bring down a truck.

She watched them for a minute before she said, “Would you like to know what happened, or are you too busy squabbling?”

Ed watched as Roy cringed, before straightening up. “Report, Major.”

Hawkeye stood at attention, “At 0500 hours, General Fey arrived at an outpost in Central to report her kidnapping. She had been drugged and apprehended in the Fuhrer’s library, and taken to an abandoned house in the countryside. After the drug wore off, she fought her way out of her cell, and took the kidnapper’s vehicle to report the incident. Your absence had been noticed, and the police had begun to search the city, but the General’s report made our search infinitely simpler. The house is being secured, and your presence at headquarters will be required inorder to make a full report.”

"Urgh, I'll bet she turned right not left." Ed muttered.

“Any leads on the orchestrators of the kidnapping?” Roy asked.

“It appears to have been organized by a small cell of men who disagree with Fey’s pro-diplomacy stance. Presumably, they also dislike your part in the Creta peace treaty.” Hawkeye stated.

“Lemme guess.” Ed said, “ They dragged me out to this hellhole simply because my luck never runs out, and I just happened to be in the right place at the right time.”

Hawkeye nodded and Ed’s shoulders slumped. “Why am I always so lucky?” He groaned.

Roy smiled at him, and gave his shoulder a consolatory pat. Ed wanted to shove him away, but somehow ended up pressing into the touch. It was a subtle shift, but it did not escape Hawkeye’s notice.

For a moment, it looked like she was going to say something, but the sound of the approaching truck cut her off, and Ed breathed a sigh of relief. “Hey, Roy.’ Ed said, “Could you put out the fire so we don’t burn this hut to the ground?”

“Roy?” Hawkeye asked with a raised eyebrow.

Ed felt his eyes widen, and couldn’t stop the look of panic that crossed his face. “I-Uh--Oh look! The truck is here!” And with that exclamation, he flung himself out of the door, past the startled guard, and straight into the warm sanctuary of the military vehicle.

“Hey, Boss.” A familiar voice said, and Ed turned to see a tired looking Havoc. “What’s the rush?”

“Nothing. Could we maybe leave? Right now?” Ed asked, trying not to sound too desperate.

“No can do, we have enough space for Hawkeye and Mustang, so we have to wait for them.”  
Ed looked at the single bench that made up the entirety of the seating area. It was large enough for 3 passengers, if those passengers were comfortable playing sardines. Shit.

“Could I maybe sit in the back?” Ed asked, feeling a flush creep up his neck?

Havoc looked at him questioningly, “Do I smell that bad?” He joked.

“No, it’s just that--” Ed began, but stopped and strained his neck as he watched Hawkeye and Roy approach the truck.

“Is that a bruise--” Havoc began, looking pointedly at the newly revealed mark on Ed’s neck, but he cut himself short as Ed turned to look at him in horror and slapped a hand onto the spot that his loose hair had hidden from view just as the truck door was pulled open by Hawkeye.

“No!” Ed protested, “I mean, yes, it is a bruise. I was kidnapped for fucks sake!”

Havoc looked wide-eyed and his gaze flickered between Ed’s neck, the unimpressed Major, and the General who seemed to thoroughly enjoy Ed’s flustered hand gestures.

Ed turned and glared at the open door, “Fucks sake, get in here and close the door! It’s freezing!”

Mustang made a move to enter before Hawkeye, but she cut him off with her arm. “No, Sir.” She stated dryly. “You left unfinished paperwork on your desk, so you do not get to sit beside Edward.”

“But-” Roy began, looking at her with pleading eyes “I-”

“No.” Hawkeye interrupted, as she stepped into the truck, making Ed shuffle closer to Havoc, and forcing Roy to accept the window seat. “Stop shirking your duties, and perhaps I’ll let you take a day off to recover from this ordeal.”

That seemed to brighten up Roy’s mood, and he looked over to Ed, who was pointedly not looking at him and said, “Well, in that case, Ed would you like to recuperate at my house?”

Havoc choked at the tone in Mustang’s voice, and muttered something to the effect of “That’s not what she meant by ‘recuperate’.”

Ed wanted to die, but instead said “On two conditions. Firstly, anyone who says anything about it has to hand wash every sweaty piece of clothing in the ‘lost and found’ bin in the HQ’s gym. Secondly, you have to tell everyone that while General Fey was single handedly taking down kidnappers, you were drooling in your sleep.”

“I was drugged!” Roy protested, but at Ed's smirk he nodded. “Alright.” He closed his eyes and leaned his head back onto the head rest. “Havoc, Hawkeye, if you or anyone else feels the need to comment on the movements of the former Fullmetal Alchemist, then please do so out of hearing range as the consequences of ignoring that request will be rather malodorous. And if anyone asks what happened, please inform them that I was heavily sedated and unresponsive during the General’s valiant escape.”

The silence was only disturbed by the sound of gears shifting as Havoc began to drive back towards the road.

“I didn’t hear anything about drool.” Ed said, crossing his arms.

Hawkeye smiled and Havoc snorted.

“My most sincere apologies Edward.” Roy said looking at him from the corner of his eye, “Shall we drop you off at your hotel?”

“Nope.” Ed said, “you’re just gonna have’ta make it up to me somehow.”

Roy lifted his head, “I can think of several ways of---”

“Finish that sentence and I’m retracting my offer of a recovery day.” Hawkeye interrupted.

“But---” Roy began.

“No.” Hawkeye glared. “Here.” She pulled a folder from her jacket and placed it firmly on Roy’s lap. “If you focus, you can finish your paperwork before we arrive in Central.” Another pocket revealed a pen, and Ed wanted to laugh at the piteous expression on Roy’s face as he stared at the folder in resignation, but the look on Hawkeye’s face made it clear that this whole situation had only added to the paperwork mountain steadily growing in the office and that any interference with her superior’s focus would be met with a bullet or an equally deadly glare. Oh well, they’d be in Central soon enough, and then nothing could stop him from dragging Roy out of her grasp and straight into his bed--or sofa, or table, or welcome mat, it really didn’t matter as long as it was a flat surface--so that they could finish what they had started.

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from Imagine Dragons 'On Top Of The World' for no reason other than I thought it was funny.  
> 


End file.
